Grandmother

Jeg er blevet mormor for allerførste gang.

It has been very quiet here on the site and this is due to several things, but mostly that I have been living in a different world.

A "grandmother" world.

My oldest daughter, 25 years old Nicoline, has given birth to the most beautiful little girl Lily.

Lily arrived 3 weeks early and was in a huge hurry to get to her parents and of course her grandmother (meaning me) as I was lucky enough to be allowed to be at her birth.

It was an indescribably fantastic experience, but also filled with a lot of thoughts and emotions from the time I gave birth to her myself. It feels like it was yesterday. Time has flown by and I really notice this when I stand here as a 47-year-old woman who has now moved up in the hierarchy of life and has been given the role of grandmother.

Uhhhhaa there are many thoughts and mixed emotions that go with this new title.

I've wanted grandchildren for a few years and think I was completely prepared, and I am too...

However, there is a mental process I had not calculated in my desire for grandchildren.

I have 3 lovely children, about 4-5 years apart. I clearly remember when they were born, their different expressions-their scent-their hair color-their sleep patterns and their very different personalities.

All their little characteristics from when they were newborns to their first steps, their speech and the way they each stepped out into the big world when they were ready.

I remember all their little faces from the time they were newborns.

I remember faces from that time and in all the Tiger Jumps they take as they can eat on their own, crawl, walk, talk, run, kiss, hug, etc.

All the little people and their phases that all children go through in life at all ages.

There I also remember that life has gone by so damn fast and that I haven't even had the chance to say goodbye to all the little people they've been through in life until now, when they're adults.

All those moments when they went from being able to crawl to suddenly being able to walk. From kindergarten to being a school child.

From school child to teenager and I can go on.

A child's development in the first 18 years is "many children" in the same child.

Children with many expressions, opinions, attitudes, etc. - all in the same child.

In the first 18 years of their lives, they have gone through the biggest and wildest development in life and I don't feel like I have been able to properly say hello and goodbye to each and every one of these little children in them before the next phase in their lives has emerged.

Does that make sense????

When I saw my little granddaughter for the first time, I thought that was my daughter, that one, just a moment ago.....but 25 years have passed...even though it didn't feel like it at all.

I remember Nicoline when she was so small and newborn like it was yesterday.

I remember when she was 4-6 months old, she started smiling every time we looked in the mirror together in the morning because she saw someone she knew.

When she started daycare and then kindergarten.

Later it was high school and training as a nurse, and my heart cried a little.

Time cannot be rewound.

The past cannot be changed, or enjoyed anew, by returning for a moment.

Time is only here and now, and we all probably forget that in the rush when it comes to keeping everyday life functioning and together.

I can't sit with Nicoline or my 2 other children anymore, in my arms and smell them and think about what they will be like as adults and who they will look like.

All those thoughts about their upbringing, their ways of being - upbringing - rules, behavior, schooling, packed lunches, etc. - are over for me and FUCK .... (sorry) it's so hard to relate to.

Now I look at my beautiful eldest daughter, who has become a mother herself.

Now she is the one who sits with all the joy - happiness, but also the uncertainty - fear and thoughts of hope for the future of the little one and their little new family.

I remember it all from myself and that's what's so wild and strange.

A snap of the finger and I'm second-to-top in the family hierarchy.

So what the hell just happened and when??????????

Inside, I'm still around 30 and always at my worst :)

Now it's their turn to go on the wildest, toughest but most loving adventure of their lives ever.

My time has come, in terms of all this. Now I have to make sure to follow my 3 grown children on their path in life, with all the support, love and care that they have always received. Now it's just a different way of being a mother for me because they have grown so much.

I may be repeating myself a lot here, but what I'm really getting at is that you should fucking enjoy the "NOW" all the time.

I think I have done that myself and yet I feel like time has passed too quickly.

There is far too little talk in our society about this time when you reach "grandparent age".

I am single by choice and I am really enjoying this. However, I still need to figure out what to do next?

In addition to always being a mother of 3 and a newly minted grandmother, I am also about to find a new role for myself in my life.

What exactly is it about?

Many people who have partners want to travel and possibly move and maybe find a new job.

Many have had lifelong plans with their partner around the time when the children grow up and move away from home.

I have had all these dreams and plans with my ex-partner, but life never goes as you think and there are always new angles and perspectives that I am "exposed" to in my personal life that can make me feel a bit at a loss.

I'm not in that category at all in any way.

- Not that there's anything wrong with it at all - on the contrary...

I wish I was...

But I'm not, so the whole slate of my future is blank for me to fill in myself....

Believe me, it's a bit anxiety-provoking, I must say, because my entire identity, like many others', is tied up in the parental role.

Yes, I'm going to spoil my granddaughter and of course be a mother with a capital M, as always, but I'm not so absorbed in time with my grown children anymore, as they can manage on their own and therefore I'm very much left to life and just me......with plenty of time to think about what I'm actually going to do with myself in the future.......

I think I'm definitely not the only one in the whole world who has experienced this, quite the opposite.

I always find a way, but it's a strange time in my life now that I actually have the energy and time to think about myself and my needs.

Hugs and loving thoughts to all of you from the new grandmother.